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no names, just words.

aren't names just words?

9/2/05 10:04 am

note to self:
don't look at old emails.
p.s. why do you miss someone who hurt you so much and so often?

i don't know. but i do know that it's weird just over a year ago things were ok. i think i also know that the degree of this break is all on me.

8/29/05 11:43 pm - scenarios

today is monday.
this is my last week at home.
in 6 days i will be on my way to new jersey.
16 hours. storms probable. high gas prices guarunteed. bad food-impossible to avoid.
when i get back to my aunt's house, it will be late at night. it will have been 3 months since i was there last. it will feel like yesterday and a lifetime ago, because that house is my home as much as this one is. more sometimes.

i'll spend a few hours trying to figure out how to fit everything into my little car. maybe my aunt and/or uncle will drive up and i can have 2 carloads.

when i get back to school, i will spend approximately 20 minutes diligently unpacking.
then i'll excitedly greet my new housemates, who will also be diligently unpacking.
the house will be chaotic.
i'll be overwhelmed.
i'll go for a walk. maybe to the arboretum. maybe in the woods. maybe i'll go find a swing to sit on. or maybe i'll call a friend from home, a friend from summer. not that they'll really understand how i'm feeling, but they'll let me talk for a few minutes. or maybe i'll call one of my drew graduate friends. and maybe someone will understand.

or maybe it won't happen like that at all. perhaps my roommate will be in the room when i get there, and she'll help me unpack, as she has already unpacked herself. and people will stop by, but i'll actually unpack everything before leaving. and maybe it'll be a beautiful day, and all the people who i've missed all summer, wanting to but being afraid to call, maybe they'll be there, right there by my house, easy access back into something (un)familiar.

and maybe when i get back to school, i'll find that courage that marked me my first time arriving at drew, that allowed me to meet wonderful people.

8/18/05 12:40 am - human contact or the lack of

it struck me again today, it hasn't for a while. well, not since dia mentioned it months ago.
the fact is, online, especially when i'm at home, i'm a very different person than i am in real life. it's as though all those years i spent developing a sense of humor just disappear. i think this is one of the reasons that i have trouble getting along with people online who i'm fine with in person.
and the fact that i'm such a different person makes it very difficult for me to keep in touch with people through this thing we call internet. because as much as it's supposed to bring everyone closer, it doesn't quite work as well as talking to someone face to face.
after all, unless i'm right in front of you, how do you know when i'm flirting with you, when i'm teasing you, when i'm getting taht you're teasing me? there's so much potential for miscommunication when all communication comes in typed words.
it's not even as personal as handwriting, where at least some emotion can be detected. and as much as we all try to personalize our fonts, a font isn't really the same.
i can sit here and type, and thoughts will come out of me for the next hour. but in the end, how much of that will i have meant? how much of it will i even remember? you know, i go back and reread old entries all the time, thinking, 'did i really write that?' sometimes it's a particular insight, sometimes it's a feeling i had that seems just rediculous in hindsight.

there are some people with whom i can be more consistently myself online. or at least there used to be.... i wonder if there still are?

i miss human contact. i miss hugs, and cuddling. i miss being able to converse with nothing but the look in my eye.

i'm crossposting this to my other journal.

8/17/05 12:01 am - the motorcycle diaries

watching this movie with kristin was strange. our understanding, perception of and reactions to everything taht happened in the movie were totally opposite.
in the end, she stated that she was glad to have watched a happy movie before going to bed.
i thought, 'happy movie?'
this movie is not happy for me. it's the start of a revolution. it does nothing but make me want to work harder for a better world. it does nothing but make me wish i was acting and not just being. it makes me wish i had the ability to inspire people instead of offend them.
it makes me want to change the world and take the power away from the old white men who run things now.

7/6/05 12:06 am

i could get annoyed at all the people who didn't really know her and didn't have anything to say until they got the schoolwide email. but then i guess the people who were much closer than me could get mad that i am affected. it's all dumb. mostly i'm upset to see in bold on my friends list the very thing i've just accomplished forgetting to a satisfactory level, to a level that i can sleep. i hope.

7/5/05 10:17 am

i woke up and thought, did i dream that? maybe it's not real.
but i wasn't dreaming after all.

7/4/05 10:40 pm

I remember brooklyn, walking around in the freezing cold. you didn't know how innocent i was, how naive and intimidated. or maybe you did, but it didn't matter. you treated me like everything was cool, and so it was.
your smile, your presence, it comforted me. even after a year of not seeing each other, you were welcoming, happy to see me. you treated me like a better friend than i was.
to my friend, someone more important to me than perhaps even reason explains, you gave joy. and peace. when no one else could.
and i suppose now, the only thing to do is to say thank you.for everything you gave to everyone who ever knew you.

7/2/05 12:48 pm - dreams of life or living in a dreamworld

a recent discovery:
hours of solitude lead to much confusion. my memories are a jumble. where do the memories of life stop and the memories of characters from books begin? did these things i'm recalling happen in my dreams or while i was awake?
my dreams have been strange and restless, as my sleep has been anxious and not in the least bit restful. awake, i'm often alone. though i'm not lonely. i keep telling myself that i ought to call someone, go somewhere, do something, but in the end, it seems taht alone is better. i'm not afraid of myself by myself. and books come alive when the characters on the pages are your only friends. am i in 1920s england or a summer gifted institute? am i traveling strange dream lands that are named by the hours, or am i stuck in a prison i meant only to visit?
movies, somehow i'm able to seperate, which i suppose is good. i've always wished to live in a movie, with everything simple and neat, even problems. and it all ends the same every time. i take comfort in that, but somehow i can't put myself into that world quite so easily.

alone, i begin to feel as though i've forgotten how to speak. so you can imagine my surprise when i am spoken to and find i am able to respond.
and i find i miss many things and people from my past when i'm alone. i drive on a road that reminds me of a person, i see a place i used to visit with an old friend. my life here seems like a distant memory. so distant, in fact, that i wonder sometimes, did it happen at all? was all of that a dream too?

6/29/05 09:15 pm

i read a book through all of class yesterday. usually i try to be courteous and only read a little bit so i can listen as well. yesterday, i was starting a new book, and i read about 60 pages of it. good book. bad class.
i hate my hollywood video now. i'll only go if someone else is with me, preferably my brother, because the assholes who work there are only nice to other guys. seriously, not a single girl works there.
smoked with tim and company last night. first time since february. it was nice. it was also nice to actually sleep well for the first time in weeks.
less nice to wake up at noon and spend all afternoon in a meeting.
i hate meetings.

i find myself assigning things to put into my future so that i have something to look forward to.
amy to st. louis july 14-17
ben visit st. louis august 4-7
finishing this book
reading more books
class ending
getting a new mattress-one that doesn't hurt my back
traveling. everywhere
the next time i can forget myself and just be happy

6/22/05 11:32 am

I had this strange urge to delete my entire friends list. so i came over here, where i already did that.
everything i read lately makes me angry. my class makes me angry. my friends here make me angry. people apologizing and making excuses makes me angry. people not apologizing makes me angry.
i can't seem to win.. i'm just angry.
so i distract myself with books and movies. books are good, they help.
movies do not help. they make me angry.
and i'm not sleeping well.
i'm getting some exercise, i'm going on another bike ride with my dad today in fact, but even so, i have trouble falling asleep at night and wake up dissatisfied with my sleep.
i suppose i could just stay up all night, but that's rather frustrating as well.
i applied for another job, and looked at more temp agencies, but i'm not really very optimistic.
at this point, who would hire me? i'm leaving in just a couple months.
but at the same time, that's longer than my brother has held most of his jobs. so what's stopping me? could i just not mention that i'm going back to school and get a job?
it's also too far into the summer, all the seasonal jobs are filled and all the long term jobs don't want me.
the guys who work at hollywood video (and it is all guys, ((i wonder if that's why i never heard from them))) all recognize me, and at the rate we're going, they're going to know not only my name but everything about me by the end of the summer, just by looking at my taste in movies.

i have a book that's overdue at the library. i hate when i do that. the librarians are mean, i don't really want them to look at me in that condescending way as they tell me that i have overdue fees. i know i do, you don't have to make me feel like a little shit because i owe you a fucking 10 cents.

i need to go, it's bike ride time.
maybe when i get back i'll be less angry.
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