how is it that i'm 21 years old and i've never been in love. what does that say about me?
and what about this time? is this love? i don't know. on tv, in the movies, in books, music, love is everywhere. and by that i mean the word "l o v e" is everywhere. and everyone has their own meaning.
a father for a son, a friend for another friend, a daughter for a mother, these kinds of love i understand. the religious love a person feels for their god, their religion, their religious leaders, i understand these as well.
but Love? is it like they say in pop songs? does it happen at first sight? these are not meanings of love i agree with or understand. in my mind, it takes a long time to fall in love. maybe that's because i've never had it (before?)
this relationship i'm in right now, it's amazing. i've never felt so happy in a relationship, or so safe. in other relationships or even flings, there hasn't been the same mutual attraction both physical and emotional that we have. and we're of the same mindset on so many things. it's sort of scary, actually. like, i'm a little worried that we're sort of the same person. and we admire each other. i admire her love and abilities to understand things like math and science and logic, her ability to get joy out of those things i can't stand. i admire so much about her.
she admires me, too. basically for my experiences and "worldliness." though i don't feel very worldly.
but i do want to teach her. i want to teach her to appreciate different kinds of food. to love music. i want to show her the world, while i discover it for myself.
i want to protect her. but i fear that in protecting her i'm mothering her, and when i do that i feel the age difference between us. and it scares me. i know people date with age differences larger than ours all the time, but it still kind of scares me.
but i am falling. i've been falling for at least a month. it's sort of a freefall, but i catch myself sometimes. i step back and go "whoa." but then i see her again, we spend time together again, and there i am, falling again.
so i may be afraid of love, but i think i'm approaching it. it might be there already.
and if it is? then what? what do i do next?