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no names, just words.

aren't names just words?

1/2/07 02:44 pm - something to lighten the mood

In 2007, a_speckled_rose resolves to...
Go to ghana every Sunday.
Give some sarah waters to charity.
Spend more time with my alternative lifestyles.
Overcome my secret fear of platonic relationships.
Admit my true feelings to iamelephant.
Cut down to ten motorcycle diaries a day.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

9/20/06 06:25 am - did you know...

that at 6 am the sun isn't up yet?

i've chosen a career in theatre. so why am i getting up at 6 in the morning? there is something very wrong with this picture.

also a very disturbing picture would be the roaches that live in my sink that came out in droves this morning when i turned the water on.

on the up side, hey look, i'm working! yay work!

5/12/06 10:10 am - it's creeping up

the end. it's creeping up on us. we're busy finishing finals, having fun, savoring every minute and every moment. when i spend time with people who frustrate me, i feel like i'm wasting time. when i spend time doing something i don't want to be doing, i feel as if time is flying by and i'm not treating it well.

i get angry at this place sometimes. i get frustrated with the people, with the departments. i know that everything isn't perfect here at ol' Drew U.

i also know that i have had some of the best times of my life here. and in many ways, life will never be as good as it is right now. it will never be this easy. i will never be able to be this free with money... or with my time.

savor every moment.

1/4/06 03:26 am - i think

to be an art lover is to be an artist.  because the love of art is an art in and of itself.

and yes, i'm applying this to all kinds of art, be they visual, written, etc

12/18/05 09:16 pm - that meme

you know, the first entry of each month one.... i think it'll be interestingish in this my second journal

I don't usually make new year's resolutions. it's probably because of that
whole anti-tradition thing i've got going.

i've fallen into somewhat of a pattern back at school. i don't really think it's a bad one, either.

i sit in my room for hours at a time and i feel trapped. trapped in my head, trapped in my room. outside it's blinding-white. bright. but inside the light hits everything just right.

I've been strange lately. i've felt strange, but i think i've probably been strange as well. i don't know exactly why.

May subject: Hello, Stranger
I see myself as a stranger.

04:12 am
i was thinking.

July subject: dreams of life or living in a dreamworld
a recent discovery:
hours of solitude lead to much confusion. my memories are a jumble. where do the memories of life stop and the memories of characters from books begin? did these things i'm recalling happen in my dreams or while i was awake?

August subject:the motorcycle diaries
watching this movie with kristin was strange. our understanding, perception of and reactions to everything that happened in the movie were totally opposite.

note to self:
don't look at old emails.

October subject: of London
what i remember:

There were no entries this month

December subject: Would it scare you if i told you I love you?
What does it mean? Love.
how is it that i'm 21 years old and i've never been in love. what does that say about me?

12/18/05 09:04 pm

it hit me.
it takes me a while.

but now it hit me.
and damn, 6 weeks is a long time.

12/14/05 12:39 pm

I've been rolling that word around in my head. i'm getting used to it.
i'm rolling it around, like you'd roll those chinese balls around in your hand, like this:Collapse )

i'm rolling it around like i rolled around that last word, "girlfriend."
I had that one rolling around for a good two weeks before i could say it out loud.
and this one? this one is so much more than a word, it's so much bigger than that. girlfriend, it's nothing more than a label, but it's a label i haven't put on myself for a very long time, and one i was not sure i was ready for.
and if i'm only just feeling ready for girlfriend, how can i be ready for love?

but it's in there, i'm rolling it around.

12/12/05 03:07 pm - is it me, or are the colors in the sky richer in the winter?

or maybe it's just the contrast between the dead earth and the sky that is so alive. a winter sunset, when compared to a summer sunset, is so much more vivid. a summer sunset is like a sigh, calm. a winter sunset is more like a gasp, it's overwhelming at times. it takes over before you're ready for it, it eats at theday before we're ready for our days to be over.
in the summer, color is everywhere. it's on the trees, on the ground, on flowers and on people.
in the winter, that color in the sky is so necessary, it's the only relief from the monotony of grey and brown.

(all this brought on by doing research for a light design?)

12/11/05 11:15 am - Would it scare you if i told you i love you?

What does it mean? Love.
how is it that i'm 21 years old and i've never been in love. what does that say about me?
and what about this time? is this love? i don't know. on tv, in the movies, in books, music, love is everywhere. and by that i mean the word "l o v e" is everywhere. and everyone has their own meaning.
a father for a son, a friend for another friend, a daughter for a mother, these kinds of love i understand. the religious love a person feels for their god, their religion, their religious leaders, i understand these as well.
but Love? is it like they say in pop songs? does it happen at first sight? these are not meanings of love i agree with or understand. in my mind, it takes a long time to fall in love. maybe that's because i've never had it (before?)
this relationship i'm in right now, it's amazing. i've never felt so happy in a relationship, or so safe. in other relationships or even flings, there hasn't been the same mutual attraction both physical and emotional that we have. and we're of the same mindset on so many things. it's sort of scary, actually. like, i'm a little worried that we're sort of the same person. and we admire each other. i admire her love and abilities to understand things like math and science and logic, her ability to get joy out of those things i can't stand. i admire so much about her.
she admires me, too. basically for my experiences and "worldliness." though i don't feel very worldly.
but i do want to teach her. i want to teach her to appreciate different kinds of food. to love music. i want to show her the world, while i discover it for myself.
i want to protect her. but i fear that in protecting her i'm mothering her, and when i do that i feel the age difference between us. and it scares me. i know people date with age differences larger than ours all the time, but it still kind of scares me.
but i am falling. i've been falling for at least a month. it's sort of a freefall, but i catch myself sometimes. i step back and go "whoa." but then i see her again, we spend time together again, and there i am, falling again.
so i may be afraid of love, but i think i'm approaching it. it might be there already.
and if it is? then what? what do i do next?

10/7/05 02:20 am - of london

what i remember:
sept 14: talk to frohawk online, he tells me to cheer up. i am unhappy.
sept 16: someone who is thousands of miles away needs distance
i visit tate modern, it is my paradise.
i visit the Victoria and Albert museum, i am relieved.
out by myself, drinking a beer in a pub, or taking long walks, or riding the bus to places i've never been.
italy excursion, a break from myself.
dublin. much the same
back to london.
the V&A and the tate are the only things worth remembering. i love the architecture, i love the city, but i am a zombie.
i remember people being mad at me a lot. i remember being angry.
i wish i remembered more. i'm glad i remember the city, i wish i rememberd myself there. i can't help but think that a lot of my fondest memories occured in the week in spring, rather than the 3 months in fall.
how am i only happy when i'm not myself?
london is a blur. a fucked up blur that cost me friendships. which are worth more than gold.
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